I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
