I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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