Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
