I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
