i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
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It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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