roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night