I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
