i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
