Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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