That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
