the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
