We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
