4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
