So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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