i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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