He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
