i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
