can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
