so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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