Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
