Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I look better un-naked...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
