Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
