Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
