I'm going to jail i love you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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