my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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