Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
