i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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