I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
