Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
