Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
