My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i dont even know how to be here
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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