i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
