We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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