And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
