she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
