Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
