i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
honey bunches of taint.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
