You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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