I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
