Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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