My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
