i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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