How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
