Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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