I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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