There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
