Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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