'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
