I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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