Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
