My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
