O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
