Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
