Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
