Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
