my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
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We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
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I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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