Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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